In connection with a recent reflection, I was reminded of my days as a nursing student and the daily conference sessions held at the end of each practical training. For me at the time, that session—a 30-minute period for discussing issues—was truly a living hell.
I often failed to voice any opinions, sometimes not speaking a single word. My inability to contribute led my group mates to call me out to a nearby restaurant, asking why I was unable to speak up. It was a clear sign of how much I lacked the fundamental feeling that I was allowed to express my own thoughts.
This pattern originated in childhood; even when I attempted to convey my feelings to my mother, the ultimate experience was one of being disallowed to speak. Consequently, giving up on voicing my opinion became automatic. I stopped reflecting on my thoughts, eventually losing track of what I truly believed.
The Road to Self-Acceptance
About five years ago, I developed depression. Through the process of confronting myself during my recovery, I slowly began to recognize my true feelings. I came to the realization: it’s okay to feel unpleasant emotions, and it’s okay to simply be myself.
Once I adopted this perspective, my overwhelming concern for others’ opinions gradually diminished. Thanks to the supportive people I encountered in various communities, my own behavior started to change. Today, speaking my mind with significantly less resistance has become normal—a drastic shift from the person who was entirely unable to offer an opinion and terrified of judgment.
To bridge that gap, I systematically dismantled my internal blocks, prioritizing small, achievable steps:
1. Observation: I would watch how others acted.
2. Reflection: I would write down how I truly felt about the situation.
3. First Step: I decided to speak up just once \rightarrow Success.
4. Scaling Up: I then challenged myself to speak two or three times \rightarrow Success.
5. Leadership: I attempted to be the first person to speak \rightarrow Success.
Now, I can even volunteer for roles like facilitation or moderation—actions that were simply unthinkable to my former self.
The Power of Small Actions
The journey started with accepting my past self and acknowledging that every single emotion I possess is important. The crucial breakthrough was not just the internal realization, but the repeated, small actions I took to prioritize my own well-being, which steadily wore down my inner resistance.
When one tries to change dramatically all at once, internal resistance inevitably builds up. This is why I consciously choose small actions that are within the range of what I can manage right now. This small step, this “small habit,” is what I believe holds the most value.
I learned that I am allowed to speak and allowed to act without needing permission from anyone else. Reflecting on this journey, I realize the incredible transformation that can result from small, consistent changes.
